I’ll get this out of the way first:
Yes, once again it’s been some time (some long time) since I’ve written here. As
usual, however, I have good excuses. (That last min-post doesn't count.)
The main thing was, I struggled for several months with
feline leukemia. At the time it was a very big deal, but I’ve since been given
to understand that this isn’t a real thing … Tell that to the cats, I say!
Additionally, my computer caught fire again. I was
attempting to remove all of its branding with a rag and some turpentine, but
the cardboard shell of the computer soaked that turpentine right up, and the
exposed wiring—typically a feature I like!—wrote the last chapter of that
story. The upshot is that the branding (lots of undecipherable Thai slogans)
has been charred off, and also that “typing” now has to be done via electronic
probe, alligator clips, and an exposed circuit board. I’ve only just learned
how to do it with any semblance of accuracy, and I still haven’t perfected the
asterisk and that upside down Spanish exclamation point. (Useful because it
lets readers know that you’re about to say something exciting. Without it, your
aye-carambas will be anemic. At best.)
But Mexcalmation point or no, I’m back. For now.
I understand that I’ve lost a significant percentage of my
readership; I’m down 2 readers, so the decrease is somewhere in the
neighborhood of 100%. That being the case, I think we need to ease back into
all of this. So there’ll be no inflammatory content about Candidate Mitchell
Romney and President Obama, nothing about the current danger parties in Arabia,
no discussion of polar bears, and, after this, no mention of herpes (oral,
genital, or otherwise.)
Instead, I thought we could just skim a few light topics.
Start off easy.
#1: Science!
Writing about science has always been one of my greatest
writing-about interests. Unfortunately, this has been very much discouraged at
Box Factory, where I’m currently doing some temp work. Damien Box, he says,
“Dandy! Write up those invoices!” and Charles Factory, he says, “Dandy, write
another letter to my wife!” And while there is some wiggle room in the letters
to Mrs. Factory (Joan), nobody ever says, “Dandy, write about the sciencey
things on your mind!” If anything, they say, “Science doesn’t sell industrial
lubricant, Dandy.”
But Damien and Charles aren’t here right now, so this is
what’s on my mind: faster than light travel!
Can you even imagine it?! There are enough planets out there
that the basic rules of probability insist
that there’s a planet for practically everybody. Dinosaur Planet! Pink Planet!
Chocolate Mudslide Planet! Cookie Dough Planet! Munchkin Munchkin Planet! If
you can imagine a combination of words in front of “Planet,” the universe has
it. The problem, of course, is that these planets are so far away. Even if you
were made of light, which is pretty much the fastest thing, it would take you
years and years to get to any of the good planets. Maybe you have years and
years to burn, but I don’t. I have hobbies.
How do you square it? If you want to get to Herpes Cure
Planet, but you don’t really have the time? Guh.
Well, I just happened to read today that maybe traveling at
the speed of light for years and years isn’t the only way to get to the
permanent soothing relief that this planet doesn’t seem to offer. Apparently,
the notion of a “warp drive,” which you may remember from Tron, isn’t so sci-fi
after all. It’s basically a machine that could bend space, so you could just
hop from point 1 to point 3 without spending so much time flying through point
2. It’s like … you know how when you’re trying to solve a maze in your puzzle
book, but there just doesn’t seem to be any way to get to the exit? You always
end up having to fold the page, so wherever you are in the maze matches up with
the exit (or a little before the exit—you don’t want to seem lazy). This is
like that, but with space! And the rewards would, frankly, be a lot better than
beating most mazes. Can’t tell me that’s not exciting!
#2: Herpes.
I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t bring it up, but, honestly,
this is what’s been on my mind. This whole thing has pretty much been an excuse
to get to this point. I figured I’d think of a good euphemism by now, so I
wouldn’t have to break my own promise, but it’s not happening, and I can’t get
it off my mind. How could I? For the last couple days, I have had a blister
like you would not believe down there. I have no reason to think that it’s you know what, but I have no reason to think
it’s anything else either! And no matter what search engine I use, the Internet
keeps telling me that it’s FOREVER. Uuuuugh.
This is always going to be on my mind. I won’t be able to
enjoy a movie now, because I’ll always be wondering when the next outbreak will
be. I won’t be able to play a simple game of Frisbee, because I’ll always be
dreading the next painful chafe. I’ll never be able to drift off to sleep with
a cheerfully smoldering cigar balanced on my naked thigh, because I’ll forever
be thinking about the healing potential of interstellar travel, always just out
of reach.
Wait. Did you just read that? Did I just read that?!
Ha ha ha! It’s not herpes! It’s another penis cigar burn
blister! It seems so obvious now. Duh. I almost feel like deleting this whole
thing. You think you’d learn after the first few times you wake up with a burnt
penis, but it’s hard to connect last night to today when you got blisters on
your thingers.
What a relief. I can’t wait to tell Joan. ¡Aye caramba!
And there’s that!!! Where did that come from?!
This is great. This is a great day. It’s good to be back.
