A huge new opportunity has arisen for me!
No, wait, two new opportunities have arisen for me! The second one just came to me, and it's this: next time someone says "A huge new opportunity has arisen for me," I'll make some hilarious comment implying that they were talking about a boner! I. Cannot. Await. This. Huge. New. Opportunity! It's going to be awesome!
Ok, but the original huge new opportunity was something totally different. I've been having some preliminary talks with Paperdarts magazine about writing some guest entries in their diary!
I think I've mentioned Paperdarts before, but in case a) I haven't, or; b) you can't muster up enough respect for me to remember simple words and phrases, here's the short version: Paperdarts is sort of a showcase for writers (people who need to cry before going to sleep each night), artists (people who need to be seen crying before going to sleep each night), musicians (chronic masturbators), and filmmakers (whose talent and dedication I have tremendous respect for). I did some Paperdarts work a year or so back, but I contracted out the nightly crying.
Paperdarts also runs an online diary much like my own, except that other people are encouraged to read it. Also, they tend to write exclusively on literature and art, while I write about those things along with many other meaningful topics. But this is my huge opportunity.
I am, however, more than a little concerned about how long I'll be able to writing for the diary. The problem isn't coming up with new material. That's never been a challenge for me. (Watch. Diary topics: cats, dogs, shirts, computers ... and so on.) The problem is that I'm not sure how long it will take before the editors discover my ulterior motivation: selling my poisons!
I know I've mentioned my poison making before. It's always been a passion of mine, and I think it's time that it turned into a revenue stream. I think Paperdarts can help me do that, with little more than some suggestive copy and a few hidden links to my online store.
First and foremost, of course, I'd like to be selling my poison to kids.
Genius, right? People are always trying to sell poison to adults—assassins, rat-killers, evil cooks, etc—but no one has ever tapped the child market, as far as I can tell. And kids want poison! Why do you think parents have to lock it up? Because kids want it so bad.
With any luck, this Paperdarts thing, even if it's just a one-shot deal, could be my ticket into that Poisons-R-Us goldmine! Surely, some readers will have children, who will eagerly decipher my words over their parents' shoulders, picking up on enticing words and phrases that mean little to adults. (e.g. "rad," "that's so poison!" and so forth). And, if nothing else, artists are well known to be utterly childlike themselves, so there may be something there.
At any rate, it looks to be exciting! I'll keep you posted!
PS—“First do no harm” only applies if you’re the sort of doctor who doesn’t make poison. And if you aren’t a doctor, it may not even apply at all! So I think we're in the clear!
PPS—If you're rereading this post, you may remember an out of place, largely redundant paragraph in it before. The error is now fixed, and the person responsible has been severely punished.