Oooookay, queers, fess up.

Well, I won't say that I blame you, but there are clearly some things that some people need to get out in the open.

Oh, you you don't know what I'm talking about? Sure you don't. Fine. Fine. I'll "explain."

When I signed on to the Myspace today, I noticed a notice on my space saying that 9 people on my friends list have crushes on me, and that I should click to find out who.

I wasn't sure exactly what was meant by "click," so I did some sleuthing of my own. Just call me Gumshoe. Some simple computer hacking revealed that I have 13 friends. I then had my guy do some background checks, and it turns out that 8 of my friends are men or boys, 4 are "girls," and 1 person isn't a person at all (I'm still not sure how it got on there).

Now, some of you may need computers to help process this next piece (I was able to do it with just a calculator, but then again I'm the detective), but if you look at all the numbers here (9, 13, 8, 4, and 1) it quickly becomes apparent that at least 5 of my boy friends have crushes on me, assuming that the non-person can't have a crush. Check the numbers, run them through your computers, have your guy take a look at them - however you stack it, things aren't adding up here.

So what gives? If you're, like, gay, that's fine, but yous should probably make that more clear. And we won't be standing next to each other if we ever hang out again, because I don't want to act like I'm leading you on. And if you're straight (not gay), do your girlfriends know about this? It's weird if they don't, but if they do... Do you make them wear Dandy masks to bed, or what? This is all so strange. Is it possible that the girls each have multiple crushes on me? I've heard of "multiple crushes" (they come up in Cosmo occastionally) but I never thought people actually had them.

Ugh. I just don't know. From here on out, all crushes are officially off. I don't care if you're gay, or a girl, or whatever. The only person allowed to have a crush on Dandy Chesterton is Dandy Chesterton (I mean "me," not any other Dandy Chestertons there might be out there). And if your girlfriends have any Dandy masks, please force them (the girls) to destroy them (the masks).

Actually, no. Give the masks to me.

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