I thought this was supposed to be a socialist paradise!

After decades of struggle, we’ve finally elected our first red president, and here I am, eating a scone (made in America), sitting on a chair (made for Americans), in a Barnes and Noble store (where very nearly everything is printed in American).

And yet… and yet I can’t get free internet! I was opposed to a communist president from the start, but I figure the Lord gives you a Red, you make red kool-aid. It’s been four days, however, and that red hasn’t given up a drop of the juice of the fruits of socialism. It makes me suspect that a) there are no fruits of socialism, or b) our president isn’t a true red.

If I have to put on a grey uniform and go to jumping jack classes every day, I want free internet! Is that so hard to understand, comrade?!?!

Yeah, don’t let the immediate tone of this diary fool you: this is not live. I’m writing it on a typewriter program, on the afternoon of the 24th of January, and I have been forced to save it and “post” it later. I sat down with my scone and clicked the “internet” button on my computer, but all that came up was effete ass-grabber in rectangle glasses from AT and T, saying that my ass needed to be grabbed before I got any internet. WTF. That’s not socialism, that’s the worst kind of capitalism, the kind where someone else takes advantage of ME.

And here’s the thing: I had important business to attend to on the internet. Let alone my internet diary (I had a great entry on the different terms for “vagina” I feel entitled to use), I needed to get some files downloaded from a file-stealing site.

Please, hold your criticisms for ineffective communist presidents. While technically I would be stealing these files, any ethicist worth his weight in salt would tell you that, in the most important sense, the files belong to me. Who else would own naked pictures of me?

Remember that whole cell phone camera/naked pictures debacle? Of course you do—it was a big deal. Well, I don’t know if my phone was “hacked,” or if I just accidentally called the internet one day, but somehow those pictures are on the web now. All two hundred of them.

I took it upon myself, then, to get these pictures back. It won’t be easy, but I figure if I can track down every where my pictures ended up, I can just download them all at once, and then break my computer. Problem solved, right?

Nope. When I started to download the first batch of nudie-me pics, I immediately received a notice from my “ISP” (don’t ask me what it stands for) saying that Warner Brothers was aware that I was attempting to illegally obtain these pictures, and that they would pursue legal recourse if further attempts at downloading were made on my part.

How the flock did the Warner brothers get legal ownership of naked pictures of me? I never saw any money for them! Once again, this is the worst form of capitalism.

Some days I think that there’s nothing good about the world.

PS—What are you going to call a vagina next time you see one? Beats me. Blame Barnes an Noble. And communism.

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