"Dick" was my father's name. You can call me "Mister."

Seriously, though, a little respect pleaz?

Y'all hyped for the swine flu? I always said that no good could come from a man fucking a pig (or vice versa), but I'm not too proud to admit that I was wrong. Someone, somewhere, has done something... unfathomable to a piggy, and yet the coin of global karma has landed heads up! (Heads up is good.) We got a pandemic! Hooooray!

As of this writing, we are at "pandemic alert level 5." As I understand it, this means that the pathogen has us all by the balls, and there's no need anymore to be fucking pigs to get it (thank God!). The WHO's pandemic alert scale goes up to 6, but I have the feeling that they'll raise that level cap if it looks like everyone is having fun. Look no further than the World of Warcraft ("WoW"... "WHO"... coincidence?) for an example. Now, my own adventures in the world of Warcraft were tragically cut short at level 3, when the game administrators realized that I was spending all my time tracing out a giant penis on the game map. I figured if I walked that course long enough, I would wear a line in the Wargrass. I think I was on to something too, because after a few weeks the night elf Lord Dandy Hugepenisdrawer was kicked off the system. Hey, nerds... y'all can call me Mister now too.

Anyway, I've been told that level 60 used to be the maximum on WoW(za), but they raised it due to popular demand. I think that with a little effort, we can push this pandemic up to a fearsome level 50! That'd be, like, your eyes would melt whenever you looked at a pig, and saying any word that started with a "P" would cause you to lose a childhood memory. It would be... whorable! (i.e. great.)

PS—The last mighty swine flu pandemic (some refer to it as the "Spanish Flu," but not me) in 1918 killed my great-grandfather! So this is like Swine Flu II: This Time it's Personal! Although the 1918 flu infected a third of the world's population, so it's probably personal for a lot of jerks out there.

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