Book Reviews!! The Communist Manifesto

I've been thinking - it's about time I started doing book reviews!
Without further ado...

Book review #1, Crime and Punishment:

Now to be perfectly honest, I haven't completely finished this one yet. I'm on page 31, however, so I think, ha, I've got "the gist" of it, and then some.

Crime and Punishment is the final installment of the series that includes Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility (also known as the "And Trilogy"). The careful reader, however, will notice that this one is not by The Bard, Jane Eyre, but a much lesser known Russian scribe by the name of Destroyefsky. It is, in fact, translated from Russian, which is made distractingly obvious by the presence of dozens of Russian words and names that the translator apparently missed. Pretty amateurish for a supposed "classic," but, then again, I'm no book reviewer. Oh, wait, I AM.

It very quickly becomes apparent that what we have here is a basic retelling of the Robin Hood legend. Some have argued this point, but the original date of publication places it solidly after the western Robin Hood, so we won't get far by quibbling; this is not an original, it is a "re-imagining." This, on it's own, shouldn't damn the book - I am a great fan of creative retelling and rehashing, and I believe there is much to be gained, intellectually, from riffing off the work of a genius, from the spectacular DiCaprio "Romeo + Juliet," to Jimi Hendrix's version of "My Country 'Tis of Thee" ("riffing" indeed!)
Crime + Punushment, lamentably, is simply too straight-forward a retelling. The sassy Roskolnikoff is Robin Hood down to the green tights, and his sister Dunya is a russian Maid Marrian. Throw in the landlady as The Sherrif of Nottingham, and you know the rest. The swordplay is decent, but it's nothing we haven't all seen better done in RH: Prince of Thieves.
So, if you've got plenty of time to kill, you might pick this flacid arrow up, otherwise just do yourself a favor and rent the original.

Furious Anger

I am full of anger!! I am only anger!! All anger!!

I spent the whole day at the pound, picking out a cat that would be just right for me. The cat was very large (in the neighborhood of twenty pounds), a grey tabby, and its name (its new name, at least) was Bazooka. I spent the whole day comparing cats, and after hours and hours I settled on Bazooka, because he was just right.
But apparently a history of violence with animals follows you around. How can animal violence be a part of your "criminal record" if, in the eyes of God, animal violence is not a crime? Answer that, Socrates!!
And I will say this - I don't abuse animals, I just have high expectations for them. I mean, you wouldn't buy a car if you knew it would break down on the first road trip, or the first time you threw it through a window. Crime! Crime! Criminal! That's all I heard all evening, and, needless to say, Bazooka did not come home with me. They'll probably just euthenize him, the savages.
Perhaps I'll go back tomorrow with a different hat, and someone else's driver's license.

Also, my poetry career has recently taken a HUGE step. I don't think I need to explain - just read:
----------------
"You ain't nuthin but a cookie eatin' fool," she said,
And she left.
And I sat there, cookies on my plate, crumbs on my lips,
Tears in my eyes,
And I knew she was right.

Alabama!
----------------
The whole thing is even better if you read it with a southern accent.
I'm thinking of calling it "Alabama," just as soon as I can get someone to doublecheck that that's actually how you spell "Alabama."
You know I don't like to get too personal about things, but this poem is all true.

Alabama!

Philadelphia

You ever see, in a movie, or something, someone get slapped so hard that they fall over? Just SLAP, and then BAM! ("BAM" being the sound you make when you fall over) I know!! It's totally uncomfortable to watch!

I only bring it up because that happened to me today. Me! Can you believe it? Like the song says, "Six foot tall, and full of muscle," and here I am, getting slapped to the ground. By my mom, too.<br>See, I made some holiday joke about how old she looks now, and she acted like she was going to laugh, and then she just did it. It was like being hit by a meteorite (I'm assuming)

Anyway, I can hardly blame her. I mean, it was a pretty funny joke, and she might have been overdoing it, but you know how moms can get on Thursdays. Am I right?

On an unrelated note, I met Colin Hanks today! From "Orange County." It turns out that he and I have very different opinions on Tom Hanks' parenting skills. I won't say who felt what way, but I have to bring this up: You all saw Big, right? He's a damn man-child. Please.

Friends

I went to the museum the other day. They had a large, stuffed grizzly bear there, and I noticed that the name tag said it was the body of the animal-actor "Gentle Ben."
I want everyone who goes to the museum to know that this is a bold faced lie. It is a fact - a FACT - that the real Gentle Ben died in a fire. Everyone thought it was some kind of publicity stunt arranged by his trainers, so no one even called the fire department. It happened right on the set of the show. That's why, in the last couple episodes, Gentle Ben looks like a guy in a bear suit.
Also - sort of a side note - the guy in "Gentle Ben" (whose name was also Ben) actually suggested that the cast and crew eat the bear. He was, of course, fired, which is why the guy in the last couple episodes looks kind of like Tom Hanks with a beard.