I got 99 problems, but being sick ain't one.

Jeremy Crisp!! My stomach has gone foul!
TGIF has finally caught up with me. I get off of work on Fridays, and I just have to party. Party party party. So, of course, I head over to TGI Friday's, where everybody knows my name (but not my real name). I got the onion garden, and the sweet n' sassy Cajun chicken lickers. Oh, man, do I regret it now.

I'm very seriously considering staying home from work today. A nice, warm bath, a hot beer, and type "Fat kid" into youtube - the old rememdies work the best, I think.

On a side note, am I the only person who's tired of hearing Sean "Puppy" Combs rap about himself? C'mon Sean, let's branch out a little! How about a verse or two on Jesus, or Mexican food?

A new look, for an old man.

I thought it was about time to shape things up on my myspace page. Everyone here has got naked pictures, and loud music, and crazy bullshit like that, and I hate to be left behind. I won't be left behind.
My simple knowledge of computers and programing turns out to be an ideal match with my taste for simple, bold design, which you can see. I opted, as I expect many of you guessed I would, for a pleasant "summer forest" motif. The theme could also accurately be termed "Elven Ranger," "Fairy Grove," or "Gay Woodsman."

In other news, it turns out that I don't need to get an artifial heart after all. Whew! What a relief. They were all out of ape hearts, so I was put on the short waiting list for a pig heart. Noble animals, I'm sure, but I doubt I'd get any sort of super powers from a damn pig heart. And it's nothing that would impress the ladies - I was all set to tell people that it was a lion heart, or a small lion heart. Plus, I hear that, once you have a pig heart, you have to give up eating pork, or the heart will force your body to reject it - out your mouth! Now, I know pork is what got me into this situation in the first place, but I was not about to give it up. Who starts their day without a bacon ham hamwich (the "Hogzilla")? Right. I didn't see any hands go up.
Anyhow, it's a moot point; turns out the whole thing was the result of a botched self-diagnosis. What I thought was heartburn was actually a burst battery in a LED Harry Potter pin I've been wearing. Also, if you can believe it, it turns out that "heartburn" has nothing to do with your heart being on fire, and is rarely fatal (as one would naturally expect, should your heart actualy catch fire).
Western Medicine, you and I have finally reached a fork in the road. Be sure to write.

Hot butter, and the changing internet environment.

Well, the thumping pumping heart of Myspace is gone. That's right, Boytalk is dead.

Not so much dead as in another country, really. Although, considering that I can't remember which country, we'll say as good as dead. It's one of those countries with significantly shorter people, and significantly different technology. I think, maybe, it was Mongolia.

I don't recall, either, exactly what the intention was in going to this other country. To spread the word and genetic material of Boytalk, obviously, but beyond that... To teach, I expect. Boytalk is good at horseriding and building yurts, but so are the Mongolians, so I don't think it's either of those. I've seen Boytalk fit a whole fist into his mouth, but that isn't something you can teach.
I'm just not sure.

Anyhow, what about this weather?!!?

I thought we lived in Minnesota, not Mongolia, am I right? I swear I saw a pony die of thirst on my street today! My neighbors are the hungry type, though, (remember my gay neighbor?) so even if that wasn't a hallucination, I can't imagine that they'd leave a dead horse lying on the street for more than a few minutes.


Oh my God! Something wet just came out of my nose! I think it was water!

Revenge, dogvenge

The last time I biker ran me over, I ran him over with my fist. I expect this doggy will do the same.
Please examine the evidence: evidence.

You know, it's a sad world where an effete kind of biker guy can do that to a dog. Or to me. That's why there needs to be fewer hospitals that take in bikers.