How do I get these naked pictures of myself off my phone?!?!

Jiminy Christmas! For Cupcake's Sake!

How do I get these damn naked pictures of me off my cell phone? I'm going crazy here! I tell you, I'm finally beginning to understand karma. I skip church just once, again, and all of a sudden something like this happens.

I know how this stuff works, by the way. It happens all the time - like me, celebrities will, for some entirely innocent reason, get a couple of naked pictures of themselves on their phones, and before you know it the pictures get leaked to the tabloids, and, well . .  look at Britney. So I'm going to lay it on the line, and just let y'all know what the deal is, before some newspaperman tries to drag me through the mud (not literally - just imagine the pictures of that!).

It all started when I was trying to figure out what the back of my head looks like. No, actually it all started when I accidentally took a picture of my right eyeball, inadvertently discovering that my phone was also a camera. But not long after that I was trying to take a picture of the back of my head. It worked. The picture wasn't very interesting, but it worked. So then I decided to see what I looked like sitting in a chair, reading a book. It was kind of hard to hold the book and the phone, but that kind of worked too. Then I wanted to see what I looked like crawling out from under my own bed. I looked pretty good doing that, actually, and I wanted to find out what I'd look like doing the same thing naked. No big deal, you know? And that just lead to a whole series of experiments . . . What I look like climbing my bookshelf naked, what I look like pointing at the wall naked, what I look like talking on the phone naked (I had to use a mirror). Anyhoo, I was at it all day. Then I fell asleep and pretty much forgot about the whole thing.

Well, long story short, here I am, a month later, trying to find where I stored the number for Dairy Queen. And I found something, but it had nothing to do with cool eats: almost two hundred and fifty hundred naked pictures of myself. I tried to delete them, but-you know me, a regular troglodyte-it never worked out. Now, whenever my mother calls a picture of me jumping on my bed - naked - comes up. And my mom calls me all the time!

I'm at my wits' end! Sweet Mother of Fudge! I think I just have to get a new phone. But what should I do with this old one? Bury it? Mail it back to the company?

I just hope this has been a lesson to everyone. Don't let history repeat itself.

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