Spicy hot schmidt

Okay. Sorry. I'm super sorry that I haven't written in my blog for a super long time. Yeah, right.

I'm super sorry that I'm raking in TONS of money, instead of sitting around, thinking of ways to keep everyone from killing themselves, because that's WAY more fun.

See, I don't know if y'all heard, but I'm pretty hot shit these days. Like, boiling toilet water hot shit, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. I have responsibilities--to myself and to my employer.

Who is my employer, my benefactor, my sugar daddy? Well, I don't think it's appropriate to give you a specific name (I'm professional that way), but let it be said that I'm now employed by the billing department of a VERY large insurance company. I mean, I have my own office.

My office is approximately is approximately 8' x 8' (do the math, that's 64 big square feet of floor space, ladies), and it has the convenient feature of having walls short enough for me to see over. Try sneaking up on me. You can't, unless you try it when I'm sitting down, or if you come from behind.

What do I do here (besides write in The Chesterton Review at 11:23 am?) Well, that's a little more complicated. Ostensibly, I bill people for insurance--that's how it shows up on paper anyway. However, I don't believe that they would have hired anyone who talked as much about poison making in his interview as I did to simply bill the sort of jerk who wants insurance. So I try to concentrate more on brainstorming new types of poison (e.g. "Very Berry"), and work on billing as a secondary activity.

This is how the world changes people.

Ways to keep from killing yourself:
1) Duct tape oven mitts over your hands (you'll need the help of a friend, if you have any)
2) Sleeping pills (not too many, mind you, but just try killing yourself in your sleep.)
3) Money. Rich people don't kill themselves. Fact. Google it.
4) A Kevlar body suit. Buy one, wear it all the time.
5) Always ask yourself, "Am I trying to kill myself right now?" If you find that the answer is "yes," stop what you're doing. Just freeze. Unless you're trying to freeze yourself to death, then go do something warmer, and ask yourself the question again in a little bit.

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