Get ready to see a tiny bit more of me!

A huge new opportunity has arisen for me!

No, wait, two new opportunities have arisen for me! The second one just came to me, and it's this: next time someone says "A huge new opportunity has arisen for me," I'll make some hilarious comment implying that they were talking about a boner! I. Cannot. Await. This. Huge. New. Opportunity! It's going to be awesome!

Ok, but the original huge new opportunity was something totally different. I've been having some preliminary talks with Paperdarts magazine about writing some guest entries in their diary!

I think I've mentioned Paperdarts before, but in case a) I haven't, or; b) you can't muster up enough respect for me to remember simple words and phrases, here's the short version: Paperdarts is sort of a showcase for writers (people who need to cry before going to sleep each night), artists (people who need to be seen crying before going to sleep each night), musicians (chronic masturbators), and filmmakers (whose talent and dedication I have tremendous respect for). I did some Paperdarts work a year or so back, but I contracted out the nightly crying.

Paperdarts also runs an online diary much like my own, except that other people are encouraged to read it. Also, they tend to write exclusively on literature and art, while I write about those things along with many other meaningful topics. But this is my huge opportunity.

I am, however, more than a little concerned about how long I'll be able to writing for the diary. The problem isn't coming up with new material. That's never been a challenge for me. (Watch. Diary topics: cats, dogs, shirts, computers ... and so on.) The problem is that I'm not sure how long it will take before the editors discover my ulterior motivation: selling my poisons!

I know I've mentioned my poison making before. It's always been a passion of mine, and I think it's time that it turned into a revenue stream. I think Paperdarts can help me do that, with little more than some suggestive copy and a few hidden links to my online store.

First and foremost, of course, I'd like to be selling my poison to kids.

Genius, right? People are always trying to sell poison to adults—assassins, rat-killers, evil cooks, etc—but no one has ever tapped the child market, as far as I can tell. And kids want poison! Why do you think parents have to lock it up? Because kids want it so bad.

With any luck, this Paperdarts thing, even if it's just a one-shot deal, could be my ticket into that Poisons-R-Us goldmine! Surely, some readers will have children, who will eagerly decipher my words over their parents' shoulders, picking up on enticing words and phrases that mean little to adults. (e.g. "rad," "that's so poison!" and so forth). And, if nothing else, artists are well known to be utterly childlike themselves, so there may be something there.

At any rate, it looks to be exciting! I'll keep you posted!

PS—“First do no harm” only applies if you’re the sort of doctor who doesn’t make poison. And if you aren’t a doctor, it may not even apply at all! So I think we're in the clear!

PPS—If you're rereading this post, you may remember an out of place, largely redundant paragraph in it before. The error is now fixed, and the person responsible has been severely punished.

Welcome to American Internet, People of Iran!

Yesterday I had as many site-views from Iran as I did from the United States of America! I won't say exactly how many views (that would be telling), but I will give you this: it wasn't zero!

For those in need of a little background information, Iran is a country not too far from Africa. Why, if you were to place your right hand on a globe, with your thumb touching the top right corner of Africa, you might also be touching Iran! (Although I can't say for certain, without knowing the size and condition of your globe, as well as the size and condition of your right hand.)

According to my sources, Iran is sometimes very hot, and at some point in the past it was ruled by a sultan! A sultan is like a king, but he wears a crown made out of cloth instead of metal. Also, sometimes a Jafar tells him what to do and ruins his life. A Jafar is sort of like their version of Puss in Boots, but not good.

The same source assured me that Iran also is rich in magical artifacts like lamps and carpets, but I'm fairly certain this was the result of a translation problem. As nice as they are, lamps and carpets are not magical.

Now, if you're really on the bunny hill of geography, here's some additional background information: The United States of America is also a country. I live in it, and many people consider it to be the best country. This is because of our quality television programming and our cars, of which we have many.

Now that that's all out of the way, I would like to extend a formal welcome to the people of Iran:

Welcome, people of Iran! I look forward to a great friendship between us!

The Benefits of Green Tea!

Thinking about starting a blog on the benefits of green tea I'd probably call it "The Benefits of Green Tea," or something similar. (This was originally a book idea, but ... well, you know what the publishing industry is like.)

I know what you're thinking: "Green tea cures cancer. What else is there to say? (Or think?)"

But, see, there's so much more to green tea than cancer curing. The thing is, there's just a wealth of material here. Enough for a blog. Or at least a Tumblr. (Can I write "Tumblr" here? Also, when my grandchildren read this, as they most certainly will, will they understand what a Tumbr is? I'm not sure I even do...)

Did you know that drinking green tea will make your hair silky and thick, like a golden retriever's? Did you know that it improves your ability to remember stories and interesting faces by 300%? Did you even know that it has natural lubricating elements that promote a richer, deeper singing voice?

Do you think I'm throwing away potential blog entries? I am, but I don't even care. I can afford to toss out as many facts as I please. How about this: fish love green tea. Green tea is good for drawing. It increases the frequency of nocturnal emissions, or decreases them, depending on the dose and your preference. Did you know that you actually can't burn yourself with green tea? The damaged tissue simply regenerates too fast for the burn to set in. Green tea carries magnetically encoded information. It's good for your DNA. It has caffeine, but it's different caffeine.

The list goes on.

Look for thebenefitsofgreentea.grumble among the hot trending websites this summer, and forever afterward!

Minor legal trouble re: The Dirty Bindle

You may have noticed that updates to The Chesterton Review have been infrequent of late. You may also have noticed that update to The Chesterton Review have always been relatively infrequent.

To the latter observation, I say only this: infrequent relative to what? The deaths of your pets? I'm sorry for your losses, but that's your problem, not mine.

As to the former observation, well, yes, you were right. But while my posting delays are usually due to performance anxiety and vitamin C hangovers, this time it's all that plus a growing legal headache.

Do you remember my million dollar hobo* blog idea, The Dirty Bindle? Well, it turns out that I'm not the only one gently cupping a Dirty Bindle in my sweaty, excited palm. See, apparently there's a media conglomerate specializing in adult entertainment that already has plans for The Dirty Bindle (.com, .net, .bindle—you name it, they have plans for it. A glossy quarterly is already in the design phase, I hear.) I probably shouldn't use the name of the company just yet, but if you've seen any honey bee-themed erotica (literally, any at all), you know exactly to whom I'm referring.

According to their plans, "The Dirty Bindle" would become a suite of pornographic magazines and websites catering to men and women who intensely interested in scrota.

Uuugh. This is certainly not what I had in mind. I should say, perhaps, that this company would take umbrage at the term "pornographic," but I don't see any way around it. You show me a few dozen close-up photographs of ball sacks, and I'm not sure what to call it but pornography. Certainly not "scrotal art."

At any rate, this has eaten up quite a bit of my time. (I'm not yet pulling in enough ad revenue to pay for council, so I'm currently representing myself in my meetings with their legal team.) I'm reasonably confident that there's some sort of precedent out there favoring my position, or that, at the very least, I'll get one of the many judges who aren't obsessed with balls (or would like it to appear that they aren't). Still, it's discouraging. I would have liked The Dirty Bindle to be off the ground by now, but the people who want it on the ground (or any number of bizarre places, assuming it's also on film) are really frustrating my efforts.

Oh well. I'm nothing if not patient.

*"Million-dollar-hobo"! There's a great idea for a regular column right there! Are we talking about a regular hobo who has everything he needs right in his alley, along with a great outlook on life? Or is the Million Dollar Hobo an actual Scrooge McDuck type who is lost in a big city and suffering from severe dementia? Why not both?!