RC Cola, soda royalty and the self-styled King of Pop, died today at 105.
RC’s fame ate away at the essentially private Cola. Its initially minor eccentricities escalated into grotesque changes to its packaging and flavor, ultimately leading to accusations of pedophilia. RC maintained that its relations with kids were healthy—it was simply attracted by their "purity and innocence."
The same qualities were attributed to it by its loyal fans, believing RC Cola to be a beverage whose fine flavor was distorted by a malicious press. But as its packaging changed, rumors about RC grew. It began to appear in public wearing a koozie, and seemed to be asexual.
RC was due for a grand re-release next month, but there were still wild stories: one claimed that RC was suffering from fecal contamination. Like so much else about it, the rumor may have been true, but it was probably just razzle-dazzle. It is survived by its parent companies, Cadbury Schweppes and Dr. Pepper/Seven Up.