Hobo Signs: Classics and Innovations

My hobo-related search engine traffic is still off the charts, everyone. I have yet to receive confirmation on this, but I'm operating under the assumption that these visits are largely the product of frantic hobo searches from young Teutons desperate for more masturbation material. (My readership is huge in Germany, where, as we all know, the American hobo is fetishized to the point of ridiculousness.)

The Dirty Bindle, I'm afraid, isn't quite ready for launch. But that doesn't mean I can't throw out a Bindle feature here and there to test the waters a little.

This column will be called something like, "The Writing on the Fence," or "Sign Time," or ... "The Scratch." That's it. "The Scratch." It will be a showcase for hobo signs, both old standbys and exciting new symbols. Sure, "Sandwiches for yardwork" will never go out of style, but how are you supposed to tell your fellow hobos about the ermine farm in the backyard, or the laptop computers frequently left on windowsills? The Scratch, that's how.

Anyway, here are a few preview signs. Enjoy!

"Arrows here"

"Easy arson target"

"Excellent butt"
Not to be confused with the similar:

"Boobs here"

"Beware gremlin"

"Cholera here"

"Many rabbits"

"Mass hobo grave"

"Lonely man here"

"Family already dead. Try elsewhere."

"Templar here"

The Dirty Bindle, still dragging on the ground

I cannot believe I haven't been more on top of my old Dirty Bindle idea.

(For new readers, the Dirty Bindle refers to a website/magazine concept, and not to a scrotum. However, if you see "dirty bindle" in all lowercase letters, then I am referring to a scrotum. But I rarely do that, because they're gross, and I'm not some sort of scrotum doctor that needs to talk about them all the time.)

See, I've been taking a look at my traffic stats, and I've found that the majority of my search engine redirects is coming from hobo- and bindle-related queries. Say what? Not only that, but most of my non-American readers are German. Or some other nationality, but living in Germany.

What gives, you ask? I expect it's the attraction of the raw American sexuality that the depression-era hobo embodies. Perpetual 5 o'clock shadow, fingerless gloves, tattered top hats, lean, ropey muscles from occasional yard work ... how could you not get at least a twinge in your dirty bindle from that? I say this as from an unassailable fortress of heterosexuality, of course, but you can't deny the appeal. The Germans clearly can't.

And yet I've done very little with the Dirty Bindle franchise so far! As they say in Argentina, ¡Estoy muy embarazada! (Literally translates, "I am currently very pregnant!" but I think it means something more like "I am full of shame, ay carumba.")

I've got to get on top of this! The only real issue, as I see it, is doing the work. The Dirty Bindle will require both time and effort, and I hesitate to expend either. Maybe I could get some sort of intern?

Hmm. I need to give this some thought. More later. Maybe.

Minor legal trouble re: The Dirty Bindle

You may have noticed that updates to The Chesterton Review have been infrequent of late. You may also have noticed that update to The Chesterton Review have always been relatively infrequent.

To the latter observation, I say only this: infrequent relative to what? The deaths of your pets? I'm sorry for your losses, but that's your problem, not mine.

As to the former observation, well, yes, you were right. But while my posting delays are usually due to performance anxiety and vitamin C hangovers, this time it's all that plus a growing legal headache.

Do you remember my million dollar hobo* blog idea, The Dirty Bindle? Well, it turns out that I'm not the only one gently cupping a Dirty Bindle in my sweaty, excited palm. See, apparently there's a media conglomerate specializing in adult entertainment that already has plans for The Dirty Bindle (.com, .net, .bindle—you name it, they have plans for it. A glossy quarterly is already in the design phase, I hear.) I probably shouldn't use the name of the company just yet, but if you've seen any honey bee-themed erotica (literally, any at all), you know exactly to whom I'm referring.

According to their plans, "The Dirty Bindle" would become a suite of pornographic magazines and websites catering to men and women who intensely interested in scrota.

Uuugh. This is certainly not what I had in mind. I should say, perhaps, that this company would take umbrage at the term "pornographic," but I don't see any way around it. You show me a few dozen close-up photographs of ball sacks, and I'm not sure what to call it but pornography. Certainly not "scrotal art."

At any rate, this has eaten up quite a bit of my time. (I'm not yet pulling in enough ad revenue to pay for council, so I'm currently representing myself in my meetings with their legal team.) I'm reasonably confident that there's some sort of precedent out there favoring my position, or that, at the very least, I'll get one of the many judges who aren't obsessed with balls (or would like it to appear that they aren't). Still, it's discouraging. I would have liked The Dirty Bindle to be off the ground by now, but the people who want it on the ground (or any number of bizarre places, assuming it's also on film) are really frustrating my efforts.

Oh well. I'm nothing if not patient.

*"Million-dollar-hobo"! There's a great idea for a regular column right there! Are we talking about a regular hobo who has everything he needs right in his alley, along with a great outlook on life? Or is the Million Dollar Hobo an actual Scrooge McDuck type who is lost in a big city and suffering from severe dementia? Why not both?!

Hobo-a-Gogo! Yet ANOTHER blog?!

?!

Ha ha. Not really. Not yet, anyway.

But I've been getting some really good ideas lately (I think it's because I switched vitamins), and some of them are just begging for Internet sites of their own.

First and foremost of the ideas has to be...
The Dirty Bindle:
Tips and Tricks of the Hobo Trade!

It would be exactly what it sounds like: a website for homeless men on the go, sharing the things homeless people care about—recipes for stew, cozy hiding spots, popular new hobo signs, huffable glue, banjo tablature ... that sort of thing!

Obviously it doesn't have to be called The Dirty Bindle, I just think that's the best of the titles. Other potential titles include The Raggedy Cap, Windowsill Pie, The Shakes, The Rawbone Rag, or, of course, Dyin' Alone.

The title's important, of course, but it's the content that will count, and, as you all know, I've never had a problem producing quality content.

The CR and Typecats will remain top priorities, but ... keep your eyes peeled for a little bean stew, if you know what I mean.

PS—I mean The Dirty Bindle. Or, potentially, The Bean Stew Review. I haven't decided yet.

PPS—I swear to god, if anyone steals any of those blog names, I will kill them like a hobo kills a thief. (With an infected bite.)