Get ready to see a tiny bit more of me!

A huge new opportunity has arisen for me!

No, wait, two new opportunities have arisen for me! The second one just came to me, and it's this: next time someone says "A huge new opportunity has arisen for me," I'll make some hilarious comment implying that they were talking about a boner! I. Cannot. Await. This. Huge. New. Opportunity! It's going to be awesome!

Ok, but the original huge new opportunity was something totally different. I've been having some preliminary talks with Paperdarts magazine about writing some guest entries in their diary!

I think I've mentioned Paperdarts before, but in case a) I haven't, or; b) you can't muster up enough respect for me to remember simple words and phrases, here's the short version: Paperdarts is sort of a showcase for writers (people who need to cry before going to sleep each night), artists (people who need to be seen crying before going to sleep each night), musicians (chronic masturbators), and filmmakers (whose talent and dedication I have tremendous respect for). I did some Paperdarts work a year or so back, but I contracted out the nightly crying.

Paperdarts also runs an online diary much like my own, except that other people are encouraged to read it. Also, they tend to write exclusively on literature and art, while I write about those things along with many other meaningful topics. But this is my huge opportunity.

I am, however, more than a little concerned about how long I'll be able to writing for the diary. The problem isn't coming up with new material. That's never been a challenge for me. (Watch. Diary topics: cats, dogs, shirts, computers ... and so on.) The problem is that I'm not sure how long it will take before the editors discover my ulterior motivation: selling my poisons!

I know I've mentioned my poison making before. It's always been a passion of mine, and I think it's time that it turned into a revenue stream. I think Paperdarts can help me do that, with little more than some suggestive copy and a few hidden links to my online store.

First and foremost, of course, I'd like to be selling my poison to kids.

Genius, right? People are always trying to sell poison to adults—assassins, rat-killers, evil cooks, etc—but no one has ever tapped the child market, as far as I can tell. And kids want poison! Why do you think parents have to lock it up? Because kids want it so bad.

With any luck, this Paperdarts thing, even if it's just a one-shot deal, could be my ticket into that Poisons-R-Us goldmine! Surely, some readers will have children, who will eagerly decipher my words over their parents' shoulders, picking up on enticing words and phrases that mean little to adults. (e.g. "rad," "that's so poison!" and so forth). And, if nothing else, artists are well known to be utterly childlike themselves, so there may be something there.

At any rate, it looks to be exciting! I'll keep you posted!

PS—“First do no harm” only applies if you’re the sort of doctor who doesn’t make poison. And if you aren’t a doctor, it may not even apply at all! So I think we're in the clear!

PPS—If you're rereading this post, you may remember an out of place, largely redundant paragraph in it before. The error is now fixed, and the person responsible has been severely punished.

Hobo-a-Gogo! Yet ANOTHER blog?!

?!

Ha ha. Not really. Not yet, anyway.

But I've been getting some really good ideas lately (I think it's because I switched vitamins), and some of them are just begging for Internet sites of their own.

First and foremost of the ideas has to be...
The Dirty Bindle:
Tips and Tricks of the Hobo Trade!

It would be exactly what it sounds like: a website for homeless men on the go, sharing the things homeless people care about—recipes for stew, cozy hiding spots, popular new hobo signs, huffable glue, banjo tablature ... that sort of thing!

Obviously it doesn't have to be called The Dirty Bindle, I just think that's the best of the titles. Other potential titles include The Raggedy Cap, Windowsill Pie, The Shakes, The Rawbone Rag, or, of course, Dyin' Alone.

The title's important, of course, but it's the content that will count, and, as you all know, I've never had a problem producing quality content.

The CR and Typecats will remain top priorities, but ... keep your eyes peeled for a little bean stew, if you know what I mean.

PS—I mean The Dirty Bindle. Or, potentially, The Bean Stew Review. I haven't decided yet.

PPS—I swear to god, if anyone steals any of those blog names, I will kill them like a hobo kills a thief. (With an infected bite.)

Prepare a spare ass, because your old one is about to get blown off!

Heeeey y'aaaaallllll!

So, I was walking past the Salvation Army yesterday, looking at the homeless people, thinking, "I wonder if any of those bums has ever thought about acting. There's good money in acting, and if they auditioned for the part of a bum, they'd already have the wardrobe and stuff."

But then I thought that starting out your acting career as a bum might not be a good idea, because then you could get typecast as a bum. And then I thought,"'Typecast!' Now there's a funny word. T - Y - P - E - C - A - T - S. Typeca... wait a second!"

I had, of course, accidentally spelled "typecats." I was about to throw the word away... before I realized that it was awesome! I started seeing it printed on children's backpacks and lunchboxes, I saw it optioned into R-rated movies and serialized novels, I saw it dragging me, like a sleeping cowboy hanging from one stirrup, to Hollywood!

(A cowboy was dragged like this to Hollywood only once, and it didn't do him any good because he was dead by the time he arrived. My metaphor doesn't include actual death. Or even a horse.)

At any rate, I needed to figure out how to get the idea off the ground. The obvious solution: a blog. After all, it's largely thanks to The Chesterton Review that I am where I am today (not in jail!)

And so... typecats was born!

You'll notice that it's a tumblr address. It's my understanding that tumblr is largely a forum for pornography and fashion, but I figured that what I had in mind was close enough to both of those that it was a reasonable fit. You'll see.

I have a feeling that before long everyone will be saying, "I want to get typecats!"