A Cigar

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes it's a mummy's penis." — Sigmund Freud

I guess he said that while speaking at the American Psychological Association's annual conference. Immediately after saying it, according to the president of the APA, Sigmund did that hand-pumping, bulgy-cheek blowjob motion, which is hard to get across in a typed quote.

Anyway, can you believe that guy? It makes you wonder whether his cigar smoking was a symptom of mummy-love ... or if it came from some deep seated mummy-hatred. Both make sense to me. The whole thing makes sense to me, really. I'm amazed that cigars aren't regularly labeled as "Mummy Penises." Or vice-versa!

(And please, no comments about "mummy/mommy issues" We're talking about embalmed penises, not making cutesy puns to deconstruct one of the 20th century's greatest thinkers.)

Because it makes everything delicious.

Often misquoted as saying "Variety is the spice of life"—which most assume referred to multiple sexual partners/positions—what poet William Cowper actually said was "Cinnamon is the spice of life."

The confusion initially arose from the fact that the line was first heard shouted from Cowper's kitchen, which was his favorite place to have sex. The thing is, it was also his favorite place to make snickerdoodles.

Go figure; the lazy-eyed, cookie-eating son of bitch thought about something other than tail now and again.

No apes in Camelot, eh?

Ok, here's an old one:

"We simply must have clean butts. If we do not have clean butts, what separates us from common chimpanzees?"

That, of course, is from the ever-classy Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. The clean butts thing makes perfect sense, because Jackie O. was just that kind of lady—if you hadn't already heard the quote, you could have guessed that part word for word, I'm sure—but what a lot of people gloss over when they read this is the woman's disdain for "common chimpanzees."

Indeed, disdain hardly seems to cover it. Jackie O. hated chimps. No one is exactly sure why. By all accounts, Jackie never even saw a chimpanzee, not in person or on film, until she was an adult, and when she finally did it was like the light in one bright corner of her soul was turned off. The closest she ever came to explaining her sentiments was at a White House function in 1962, when she drunkenly told a Tanzanian diplomat, "I hate [chimps]. They remind me of trolls. I hate trolls. You know that. Everyone knows that!"

Perhaps most surprising was the revelation that she repeatedly attempted to have Jane Goodall killed throughout the 60s and 70s. After examining a Onassis' lifetime correspondence in 1995, a biographer claimed that the letters contained "hundreds" of references to "that troll-loving bitch," and that Onassis felt her assassination contracts would have been successful, had Goodall's chimpanzee subjects not proven so adept at "soaking up bullets."

Anyway, it's an interesting side to such a (supposedly) well-known character. Quotes quotes quotes. Got to love them.

PS—If anyone gets sassy about the title of this post ("But humans are great apes, so..."), I swear to god I will make them regret it.

From the mouth of Ben Franklin

"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you ticks, make lemonade. But not before pulling all of your ticks off, taking care to fully remove any embedded mouth-parts."

That Franklin was some sort of genius-philosopher. And, keep in mind, this lil' sweet-mouth wasn't pulled from the racist, xenophobic rantings of "Poor Richard"—this is pure, unfiltered Franklin. That shit can give you cancer, but it's so smooth. Savor it.