Just some demon names

Ah, I remember when I was a Goth.

Not in the sense that that actually was a real thing that happened, me being goth, but in more of a "I picture myself being young and wearing black clothes and makeup" way. In real life, I was far too busy with my magazines to play dress up, but I like to imagine it. And in my imagination I look good.

At any rate, I was remembering "being" goth, and my brain smoothly and naturally transitioned to the subject of demons, just as the blog post will smoothly and naturally transition to the subject of demons.

And here we are: demons (and their ilk)
Azaezel, The Impure
Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies
Ba'al, Prince of Hell
Behemoth, Devourer
Asmodeus, The Lustful
Adramelech, Chancellor of Hell
Furfur, The Softest
Wall, Divider of Things
Mammon, Tits Galore
Gail, Mother I'd Like to Date
Master Leonard, Orgy Coordinator
Zaebos, Crocodile Dundee
Belphegor, The Helpful
Buer, Lord of the Dance
Haborym, So Lonely
Tyra, The Eye-smiler
Abraxas, Cleaner of Many Surfaces
Xaphan, Baby Body Boy
Yan-gant-y-tan, The Masturbator's Fury
Ukobach, Spoon Stealer
Orobas, Bone Thug
Naberius, Bachelor of Arts
Peckols, The Corpse Taunter

Anyway, that's all I can think of right now. Pretty cool, huh?

Heard about "apps"? I have.

Only recently, though, so I won't pretend to be an expert. As I understand it, an "app" (short for "apple") is like a videogame for your computer, except usually instead of playing games they do something less interesting and more useful.

Who comes up with this stuff, right?

At any rate, the real point here is that "apps" make you rich if you invent them. So here goes nothing:

Colorboss: Take a picture of something with your telephone and Colorboss will tell you what color it is. The blanket is ... yellow! The dog is ... black! The dog is ... blue! You found a blue dog! What?!

Holder: What are you holding? Leave questions like that up to Holder! It will tell you what you're holding! You are holding a can! Holder automatically updates your MySpace to let your friends know what you're holding. And who knows? Maybe you'll make a new friend with someone who is holding the same thing as you!

RaceBeast: Take a picture of someone, and type their race into RaceBeast. Assign the most races, and you will be The RaceBeast! But keep at it—thousands of other app users will be gunning for the title!

Under.the.hat: Whisper your secrets into Under.the.hat. No worries—it will never tell!

Greasegun: Greasegun makes all the sounds of a real grease-gun, but without all the greasy mess!

Who's Your Grammy: Relationship troubles? When you and your partner are in the throws of passion, Who's Your Grammy shouts out "Who's your grammy" in your voice! Relationship troubles over!

Encyclopedio: Need a fact? Encyclopedio contains many facts! Maybe yours is one of them.

All in all, you should feel free to take one of these ideas and develop it. We'll split the profits 80-20, until you make the standard developer's fee of $100. At that point, I will receive full royalties.

Exciting new team-ups

Whoopi Goldberg and Henry Rollins team up to promote the US Census. Finally, the census is cool again!

Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman team up to go skydiving! Why? Ever heard of a bucket list?

Tom Hanks’ hand and Stephen Tyler’s hand team up to form an awesome handshake! They know they can trust each other!

Copper and tin team up to form bronze! Stronger than ever!

Ladies’ Night and Men’s Night team up to form a brand new night! Now everyone can come!

Al Gore and Dan Quale team up to form an unprecedented Vice President team! #2 + #2 = #1!

Genetics and poor choices team up to form alcoholism! Beat that!

Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse team up to conceive a half duck, half mouse baby! They call it, “Arthur”!

Jackie Chan and Jackie Chan team up to form an action comedy! They are Twin Dragons!

A rock and a hard place team up to form a dangerous situation! Don’t move and you’ll be fine!

Two birds team up and are killed with a single stone! Their deaths are nonetheless years apart!

Leaves and wood team up to form a tree! Thanks, but I only need the wood!

Eagle and cat team up to form owl! It's what we call evolution!

Just a quick fantasy

If I were a video game character, I'd have to be Mario's tall brother! Everyone always thought he was gay too!

But ... Was he, though? Those Nintendo graphics were so primitive, you could barely tell if the characters were gay or not. Either way, the comparison holds. Especially if we're talking about Mario 2. Remember how Mario's brother would kick his legs back and forth when he jumped? I do that too! I do it when I jump, in the bath tub, and whenever I sit in a chair that's just a little to tall.

Or ... if I weren't Mario's brother, I'd probably be Kid Icarus. Not because of the wings, obviously, but because of all that trouble with the bow and arrows a couple years ago. Can you spell "bullshit"? 'Cause I can. It's spelled like this: since when is it a felony to sink some arrows into the trees of an assisted living campus if you don't actually hit any seniors? Robin Hood did the same damn thing, but he's called a hero, while me and Kid Ic are considered hazards to society.

I'm not complaining, I guess, I just think it's funny.

This is how art happens: fast, dangerous, and in bullet points

It has been two or three months now since I've written a genius play, and I think I'm getting a little bit ... the opposite of dry. I am wet with drama, if you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, inspiration hasn't really struck. Some writers will tell you that you can't just wait for inspiration; you have to work for it, and if it doesn't happen, it's your own fault. I will tell you now that this is a lie. "Grapes in the Snow," for instance, wasn't the product of weeks or months of hard work and revision. Obviously not. No, Grapes in the Snow was pounded, fully formed, into my head when I crashed my bicycle on the street nearly a year ago today. (To be exact, it was a year plus four days.)

I won't pretend that I woke up in the hospital thinking about orphans and Dickensian factories and shit. No, I woke up in the hospital wondering if I was about to get arrested. But the idea, even just the shadow of the idea, was already in my head, each detail filling with color as I regained consciousness, like a photo negative getting developed. By the time I was released, I wasn't even wondering anymore if the nurse had touched my penis when I went to the bathroom when I was still amnesic. I was wondering which aspect of Grapes in the Snow would reveal itself to me next.

That was awesome in the most literal sense of the word.

But that's not the case right now. I mean, I've got the words inside me, but it's all like Jello without a mold. Give me a mold, Dandy, give me a mold!

I'll try, Dandy, I'll try. Ok ... here. I'm just going to throw ideas onto the page. No editing, no second-guessing. Let's kill this shit and think about it all later.

BOOM

-The extinction of the dinosaurs

-The inception of Facebook

-Two indian tribes go to war

-More than two indian tribes go to war

-The invention of electricity

-Heirs struggle over the control of their ancestral distillery

-Two cats learn to talk shortly before hearing about Jesus

-What's a blog?!

-A man has a pet snake. They rob banks.

-A baker accidentally blinds himself

-Life in a jug

-Pointy ears

-A woman and her husband live in a gully which is slowly filling up with trash

-Three schoolchildren eat bugs off the street, until one of them gets superpowers/poisoned

-My favorite blanket

-A dog finds a hat that takes away his powers of speech

-Santa Claus' funeral

-Santa Claus' funeral—nobody attends

-A man accidentally builds a house

-After inventing the perfect poison, a man cannot bake a cake that will not poison his dinner guests

-A king has sex with his mother, which practically kills his father

-A man bites through his mouth guard while asleep, awakes to discover a mouth full of plastic

Ooooh-kay! Let's have some drama!