The Benefits of Green Tea!

Thinking about starting a blog on the benefits of green tea I'd probably call it "The Benefits of Green Tea," or something similar. (This was originally a book idea, but ... well, you know what the publishing industry is like.)

I know what you're thinking: "Green tea cures cancer. What else is there to say? (Or think?)"

But, see, there's so much more to green tea than cancer curing. The thing is, there's just a wealth of material here. Enough for a blog. Or at least a Tumblr. (Can I write "Tumblr" here? Also, when my grandchildren read this, as they most certainly will, will they understand what a Tumbr is? I'm not sure I even do...)

Did you know that drinking green tea will make your hair silky and thick, like a golden retriever's? Did you know that it improves your ability to remember stories and interesting faces by 300%? Did you even know that it has natural lubricating elements that promote a richer, deeper singing voice?

Do you think I'm throwing away potential blog entries? I am, but I don't even care. I can afford to toss out as many facts as I please. How about this: fish love green tea. Green tea is good for drawing. It increases the frequency of nocturnal emissions, or decreases them, depending on the dose and your preference. Did you know that you actually can't burn yourself with green tea? The damaged tissue simply regenerates too fast for the burn to set in. Green tea carries magnetically encoded information. It's good for your DNA. It has caffeine, but it's different caffeine.

The list goes on.

Look for thebenefitsofgreentea.grumble among the hot trending websites this summer, and forever afterward!

Minor legal trouble re: The Dirty Bindle

You may have noticed that updates to The Chesterton Review have been infrequent of late. You may also have noticed that update to The Chesterton Review have always been relatively infrequent.

To the latter observation, I say only this: infrequent relative to what? The deaths of your pets? I'm sorry for your losses, but that's your problem, not mine.

As to the former observation, well, yes, you were right. But while my posting delays are usually due to performance anxiety and vitamin C hangovers, this time it's all that plus a growing legal headache.

Do you remember my million dollar hobo* blog idea, The Dirty Bindle? Well, it turns out that I'm not the only one gently cupping a Dirty Bindle in my sweaty, excited palm. See, apparently there's a media conglomerate specializing in adult entertainment that already has plans for The Dirty Bindle (.com, .net, .bindle—you name it, they have plans for it. A glossy quarterly is already in the design phase, I hear.) I probably shouldn't use the name of the company just yet, but if you've seen any honey bee-themed erotica (literally, any at all), you know exactly to whom I'm referring.

According to their plans, "The Dirty Bindle" would become a suite of pornographic magazines and websites catering to men and women who intensely interested in scrota.

Uuugh. This is certainly not what I had in mind. I should say, perhaps, that this company would take umbrage at the term "pornographic," but I don't see any way around it. You show me a few dozen close-up photographs of ball sacks, and I'm not sure what to call it but pornography. Certainly not "scrotal art."

At any rate, this has eaten up quite a bit of my time. (I'm not yet pulling in enough ad revenue to pay for council, so I'm currently representing myself in my meetings with their legal team.) I'm reasonably confident that there's some sort of precedent out there favoring my position, or that, at the very least, I'll get one of the many judges who aren't obsessed with balls (or would like it to appear that they aren't). Still, it's discouraging. I would have liked The Dirty Bindle to be off the ground by now, but the people who want it on the ground (or any number of bizarre places, assuming it's also on film) are really frustrating my efforts.

Oh well. I'm nothing if not patient.

*"Million-dollar-hobo"! There's a great idea for a regular column right there! Are we talking about a regular hobo who has everything he needs right in his alley, along with a great outlook on life? Or is the Million Dollar Hobo an actual Scrooge McDuck type who is lost in a big city and suffering from severe dementia? Why not both?!

Just some demon names

Ah, I remember when I was a Goth.

Not in the sense that that actually was a real thing that happened, me being goth, but in more of a "I picture myself being young and wearing black clothes and makeup" way. In real life, I was far too busy with my magazines to play dress up, but I like to imagine it. And in my imagination I look good.

At any rate, I was remembering "being" goth, and my brain smoothly and naturally transitioned to the subject of demons, just as the blog post will smoothly and naturally transition to the subject of demons.

And here we are: demons (and their ilk)
Azaezel, The Impure
Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies
Ba'al, Prince of Hell
Behemoth, Devourer
Asmodeus, The Lustful
Adramelech, Chancellor of Hell
Furfur, The Softest
Wall, Divider of Things
Mammon, Tits Galore
Gail, Mother I'd Like to Date
Master Leonard, Orgy Coordinator
Zaebos, Crocodile Dundee
Belphegor, The Helpful
Buer, Lord of the Dance
Haborym, So Lonely
Tyra, The Eye-smiler
Abraxas, Cleaner of Many Surfaces
Xaphan, Baby Body Boy
Yan-gant-y-tan, The Masturbator's Fury
Ukobach, Spoon Stealer
Orobas, Bone Thug
Naberius, Bachelor of Arts
Peckols, The Corpse Taunter

Anyway, that's all I can think of right now. Pretty cool, huh?

Heard about "apps"? I have.

Only recently, though, so I won't pretend to be an expert. As I understand it, an "app" (short for "apple") is like a videogame for your computer, except usually instead of playing games they do something less interesting and more useful.

Who comes up with this stuff, right?

At any rate, the real point here is that "apps" make you rich if you invent them. So here goes nothing:

Colorboss: Take a picture of something with your telephone and Colorboss will tell you what color it is. The blanket is ... yellow! The dog is ... black! The dog is ... blue! You found a blue dog! What?!

Holder: What are you holding? Leave questions like that up to Holder! It will tell you what you're holding! You are holding a can! Holder automatically updates your MySpace to let your friends know what you're holding. And who knows? Maybe you'll make a new friend with someone who is holding the same thing as you!

RaceBeast: Take a picture of someone, and type their race into RaceBeast. Assign the most races, and you will be The RaceBeast! But keep at it—thousands of other app users will be gunning for the title!

Under.the.hat: Whisper your secrets into Under.the.hat. No worries—it will never tell!

Greasegun: Greasegun makes all the sounds of a real grease-gun, but without all the greasy mess!

Who's Your Grammy: Relationship troubles? When you and your partner are in the throws of passion, Who's Your Grammy shouts out "Who's your grammy" in your voice! Relationship troubles over!

Encyclopedio: Need a fact? Encyclopedio contains many facts! Maybe yours is one of them.

All in all, you should feel free to take one of these ideas and develop it. We'll split the profits 80-20, until you make the standard developer's fee of $100. At that point, I will receive full royalties.

Exciting new team-ups

Whoopi Goldberg and Henry Rollins team up to promote the US Census. Finally, the census is cool again!

Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman team up to go skydiving! Why? Ever heard of a bucket list?

Tom Hanks’ hand and Stephen Tyler’s hand team up to form an awesome handshake! They know they can trust each other!

Copper and tin team up to form bronze! Stronger than ever!

Ladies’ Night and Men’s Night team up to form a brand new night! Now everyone can come!

Al Gore and Dan Quale team up to form an unprecedented Vice President team! #2 + #2 = #1!

Genetics and poor choices team up to form alcoholism! Beat that!

Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse team up to conceive a half duck, half mouse baby! They call it, “Arthur”!

Jackie Chan and Jackie Chan team up to form an action comedy! They are Twin Dragons!

A rock and a hard place team up to form a dangerous situation! Don’t move and you’ll be fine!

Two birds team up and are killed with a single stone! Their deaths are nonetheless years apart!

Leaves and wood team up to form a tree! Thanks, but I only need the wood!

Eagle and cat team up to form owl! It's what we call evolution!