25 things about me

Hey there, gworls and boils.

I know all y’all are into facebook, and feelings, and showing your feelings on facebook. And, really, that’s fine. I don’t respect that—at all—but it’s fine if you want to talk about yourself on facebook to strangers.

It makes a lot of sense, in some ways. I mean, it’s important that everybody knows about how much you like 80s music and about how sad sad sad you were when your stupid old grandma died (because she was old, probably not because she was stupid… but it’s sad either way, I’m sure), because these are the things that make you so interesting. But how are you supposed to let everyone know about this interesting crap? Because if you were to just walk up to some passing acquaintance and start telling them about this stuff—telling them with your mouth and noises, I mean—they’d probably punch you, assuming they didn’t fall asleep first. So… how? Facebook! This way, you can expose passing acquaintances to the facts regarding your rotten genitals and your dog’s clever name, and you don’t have to worry about them punching you in your talking mouth.

It’s not for me, though. I do have feelings (so many feelings), and I do have facebook (so many friends), but I’m not comfortable expressing one through the other. The C.R. seems like a much more logical forum .

So, in the loose tradition of facebook, I will now post 25 interesting little things about interesting me. I can’t tag 25 friends to do it too, however, because a) this isn’t facebook; b) I don’t know what that even means; and c) I don’t have 25 friends. Also, so far, I’m the only person in the world that knows the address of this blog. So I guess, just for appearances, I’d like to “tag” Angelina Jolie (before she had all those kids), Eartha Kitt (before she died), and also Jesus (whenever). The more I can learn about those interesting characters, the better.

And so, without further ado…

Why does it have to be 25 things? I’m not sure I can think of 25 things to say about myself, without resorting to describing body parts (and I can only think of about 15 body parts, so that’s not even going to do it). And I’m at work right now. We’ll just see how far I get.

1) I just don’t get “Rocky Raccoon.” Is he supposed to be some kind of animal? Whatev. I’ve poisoned dozens of raccoons (accidentally, and for a little pin money), and you know what? The poisoned raccoon’s mate doesn’t get all sad. No, it just goes and eats its fallen partner. And then it often dies too, if the initial poison dose was high enough. It’s very Romeo and Juliet, but it ain’t no pop song.
2) I am professional-comedian-funny.
3) My favorite country is America.
4) I would rather hug than argue.
5) I don’t vote.
6) Sometimes I’d rather argue than hug.
7) My least favorite race is Spanish.
8) When I was a little boy, I once punched through my garage wall. I was that strong.
9) I have never, ever killed anything that I thought deserved to live.
10) Arson and arsonists are two of my greatest fears. The thought of dying in fire is scary!! If anybody ever tries to burn me down… I’m going out like the Terminator (with a big damn fight).
11) I’m not sure what the Seven Wonders of the World are, exactly, but I bet they aren’t that great. Sorry to be controversial, everyone, but I’m no sheep.
12) Least favorite number.
13) Like Gandhi and the Beatles, I truly believe that love is the only real solution to those problems in the world that can’t be solved with violence. Take hunger, for instance—you aren’t going to end hunger with a war. It just takes love, which is awesome, because I don’t even have to do anything… except feel love for the hungry ones. Call me an idealist, but there it is.
14) Who the heck is Norman Mailer? I assume he’s an artist, and/or not heterosexual. But I don’t know! He could be a soldier, and/or some variation of heterosexual.
15) Favorite flavor: salty.
16) I actually don’t have a least favorite number. But sometimes I lie about that to fit in.
17) In tech school, I dabbled in Pentecostalism. But, you know what? I don’t regret it at all; college-like environments are where we’re supposed to have learning experience-like experiences. A side note (and, again, this isn’t an apology): I admit that I faked the speaking in tongues thing. I would just recite the plots to Ducktales episodes as fast as I could. It did feel a little like what I imagine the Holy Spirit feels like, though.
18) I am not a racist.
19) Sometimes I just look at the sun, and I think, “Holy shit! Really?”
20) I sympathize with Dr. Frankenstein. He just wanted a baby of his own, you know? I don’t want a baby, but I get what it’s like to want to make something that’s supposed to be impossible for you to make. (But at least my meatloaf never strangled any little girls.)
21) I’m a compulsive gambler. Like, everything I do, I have to say to myself, “I bet everything I own that I can make it across the street before the red hand starts flashing” (or whatever). It’s actually kind of scary, but so far I haven’t lost much.
22) Was it St. Francis who preached to the birds? I think that’s nice. Somebody has to do it, because those little suckers could die at any moment.
23) I figure that I can run about 25 miles an hour, because coyotes can run about 24 miles an hour, and I haven’t been caught by a coyote yet. Do the math.
24) If Lady Di had lived, we would have been married and divorced by now, and AIDS wouldn’t be real any more. Fact. Learn to live with it.
25) If I could have a super power, it would be invisibility*. This is so I wouldn’t have to look at myself naked in the shower. I’m just trying to get clean! I don’t need that distraction!
26) *25 subject to change.