Baby Fights: I can't be the first person to think of this

I'll be the first one to acknowledge that I get a lot of really good, really unique ideas. I'm not too humble for that. (Remember my polar bear cub-shaped land mines, for safely blowing up polar bears, or the soon to be famous Scott Stapp sports drink, HotGodSweat? Ideas like that.)

But this one... it seems too good to be true. It's so perfect and so obvious that, despite the great powers of my imagination, I simply cannot imagine that no one has thought of it before. I hesitate to check the Internet, because last time I entered "baby" into Google I was treated to an image of a tiny, naked man exploding from a woman's torso, but I know for certain that there isn't a prime time TV show called Baby Fights (or Babyfight, or Fighting Babies, or any permutation of that). And if someone had plucked that sweet apple from the tree of ideas already, I feel sure that it would be on TV.

It came to me in a dream, you see. I was in a parking lot with two friends who recently became mothers, and I asked one of them, "So... why haven't you had your baby fight her baby yet?" The dream response was as lackluster and unimaginative as you'd expect from a real mother, but it got me thinking, why haven't I had your baby fight her baby yet? If I want to be rich (I do!), this is the way to do it.

Now, obviously, I don't want the babies to kill each other. Frankly, I don't think that's possible, because babies are so weak. And I don't want them permanently maiming each other, because for as much as someone might pay to see a one-eyed baby in a fight, I think truly exciting matches would require all fighters to be in top physical form. So none of that. But I do want those babies in rings and straw-floored pits, and I want their fists and shins to be wrapped up like little muay thai fighters, and I want them fighting! Hell, we could even dope them up a little to make it interesting (with the approval of the fathers, of course).

I can't accept contestants yet, because a whole sport league can't be set up over night. but if you're planning on doing it with a fertile member of the opposite sex anytime soon, I suggest that you attempt to sabotage your contraception somehow. No doubt there will be some discussion about that later on, but nothing wins an argument like the prospect of owning a champion baby fighter.

There's an empty space at the top, and I think we—you and I—could climb there on the doughy fists of your child. Let's get cracking!

Baby Fights!