The Chesterton Review: A Cigar

1/31/13

A Cigar

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes it's a mummy's penis." — Sigmund Freud

I guess he said that while speaking at the American Psychological Association's annual conference. Immediately after saying it, according to the president of the APA, Sigmund did that hand-pumping, bulgy-cheek blowjob motion, which is hard to get across in a typed quote.

Anyway, can you believe that guy? It makes you wonder whether his cigar smoking was a symptom of mummy-love ... or if it came from some deep seated mummy-hatred. Both make sense to me. The whole thing makes sense to me, really. I'm amazed that cigars aren't regularly labeled as "Mummy Penises." Or vice-versa!

(And please, no comments about "mummy/mommy issues" We're talking about embalmed penises, not making cutesy puns to deconstruct one of the 20th century's greatest thinkers.)

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Quotes to Qonsider

"I shall have you! By hook or by crook, I shall have you!" - President Eisenhower to an out of reach sandwich.
"Yes, too bad. You could warn them ... if only you spoke Hovitos." - Franz Boas
"Damn'd if my uncle wasn't forever deaf as a post after that little slap of mine. Growled like Beethoven for the rest of his days! Ha ha!" - Walt Whitman
"It was the strangest sensation. Two violent heaves, and there it was: I had vomited a human finger. 'Now, where,' I thought to myself, 'did that come from?'" - A. A. Milne
"Someday *they'll* write songs about *me*!" - Stephen Foster
"Fine, Bar, call it 'alcoholism' if you want." - President George Bush Sr.
"I think she was on mushrooms the first time it happened, but waking up with the queen curled up at the foot of my bed became very much a normal thing. Quite comforting, in fact." - Margaret Thatcher
"Bilbo? Oh, Bilbo was entirely Churchill. But Frodo... Frodo was always supposed to be me." - J.R.R. Tolkien
“I could have lived in that scope. If God has eyes… surely they have cross hairs." - Jane Fonda
"St. Paul is like... like... like a hot drunk girl. No, it's more like a big pile of candy. No, I don't know. It's just like, like I look at it from the hill, and I just want to get ripped, you know? God, it makes me feel so strong!" - F. Scott "Elroy" Fitzgerald
"The Alps? Get me elephants!" - Hannibal
"What a lot of people don't realize about my predecessor is that he was a pederast. Not in the classic sense of the word, but a pederast nonetheless. He was also a kitten-killer. That's, ha, just a little term we have around the Whitehouse for someone who kills kittens. That was Gerry for you." - President Jimmy Carter
"You don't 'dabble' in homosexuality. That was my mistake. Oh, God... I'll never be able to look Arthur in the face again." - Norvell Hardy
"If you say 'butt pee' one more time, I will kill you." -Thich Nhat Hanh
"There is a flame inside all men. Let it burn, hotter than the coals in the grate, hotter than the sun in the sky, hotter than the beating heart in your chest. What is this flame? It is your heart. Touch it not." - The postscript to the Declaration of Independence.
"The Categorical Imperative? Let me explain. Not everyone in the world could be an opera singer, for example, because we'd all be too infatuated with ourselves to reproduce. And there wouldn't be enough chocolate in the world for all of us to stuff into our stupid, fat faces." - Emanuel Kant to his brother, Gustav Kant, famous opera singer.
" 'The Smiling Pope'? No wonder Luciani couldn't pass the Assassination Test." - Pope John Paul II
"Now, the power to control the world is in which finger? ... No apprentice this year!" - Pope John Paul II
"I think, tonight, I'll just stay in and have some soup. Real soup." - The Marquis de Sade
"To say that my father was a murderer... he was so much more than that. He was a genius, a pervert, a world-class athlete. He sold my brother and sister, invested the money, and died the richest man in the world. Did you know that he collected scalps? He said that it made him feel like a cowboy." -Albert Einstein Junior
"If you are rich, I will take from you. Be you poor, I will give to you. This is my promise." - Robin Hood
"Let me take you higher, to a land with golden streams" -William Shakespear
"That there are rich people and poor people is just proof that this country is pretty gay" -Noam Chomsky