I use commas like...

I use commas like I'm made of commas, and I don't mind tearing them out of my body and smearing them on paper and computer screens.

I use commas like I decided it was more important to have and employ commas than it was to feed my cat, so I stopped buying cat food and put all that money toward buy commas instead.

I use commas like I'm too confident—or not confident enough—in my writing.

I use commas like I have a comma factory in my basement, where child laborers carve commas out of inferior quality, carcinogenic materials all day long.

I use commas like I force the child laborers to make commas out of the bodies of their fallen coworkers, resulting in more commas than I could possibly use in a grammatically correct sentence.

I should be one of those comedians!

PS—I don't intend to use fewer commas, by the way. Just makin' some observational humor is all.