Seems a little weird, but I’ll give you what you want

I recently found out that I can use the internet to see how many times people look at this site every month (literally dozens sometimes), what y’all look like when you’re reading (most of you look a lot like me—great minds look alike, eh?), where you’re reading from (Forest Lake isd is a big one, but the average time on the site there is 00:03), and, most importantly, what y’all were looking for that brought you here.

Now, for a while, a major hook was “Harry slash Draco.” I totally understand that, and you should all rest assured that there will be a lot more coming along those lines. Really, images of an albino wizard wrestling The Boy Who Lived to the ground and giving him a shoulder rub cannot be banished from my mind. It’s just a matter of squeezing those pictures into words that

A) Are real; and

B) Won’t get me arrested if I ever have to travel to the American South.

In the last few weeks, however, there has been a frightening drop off in the Harry slash Draco category, and an equally disturbing influx of flow from these keywords:

“Attention getters on shaken baby syndrome”

Can I get a what-what up in here? (Street language—just roll with it.)

My first reaction upon seeing this was, of course, to prepare a post themed along the lines of “you should never shake a baby to get attention.” I mean, duh. The baby isn’t going to think you’re any cooler, because they don’t even understand what that means, and unless there’s some sort of club out there that I don’t know about, no one else will think you’re cooler either. So there.

But… I consulted my neighbor on the whole thing. (Turd—you remember him, right? He lost some fingers to “diabetes” since I last brought him up. Right, Turd. You say “diabetes,” I say “too much butter.”) Turd was of the opinion that “attention getters” aren’t people, but rather conversational techniques or teaching aides. Sort of a “scared straight” kind of thing.

So… I want to give y’all what you’re looking for, but what the heck? This isn’t my area of expertise (that would be, traditionally, poisons, and, more recently, Legos), and, frankly, the whole thing seems in bad taste. Talking about shaking a baby, even if it’s just to get teenagers to like you, is obviously better than actually doing… that… but it’s still not great.

But, ok, here:

• Babies are largely defenseless. A hummingbird could kill or wound any baby.

• A baby’s brain is like a computer made of chocolate pudding. You don’t shake that!

• Babies are like ants: you might feel tough next to one of them, but if you fell into one of their nests you would be singing a different tune pretty quick.

• Babies are born knowing how to swim, and can swim faster than most adults. Only once they learn to walk do they lose this ability. It is a trade-off.

• Unless you were raised in a communist country’s gymnastics program, you probably aren’t strong enough to pick up a baby, so don’t try. It’s not a matter of weight, it’s that their skin is like a water weenie.

• Some babies are made of tar, and touching them can get you into a very sticky situation.

• You were a baby once, unless you were grown in a jar like those twins form Sister Sister. In that case, you were once a mass of cheek tissue. Showing jealous towards a real baby will only give you away.

That’s all I’ve got right now. I hope that satisfies you, Google.