Get Well Soon, Mr. President!

I don't want to upset anyone, and some of you may have come across this in the news already, but something has happened to President Ford.
Just this last week, Gerald Ford, our second most handsome president (after Coolidge), suffered a broken butt bone. He broke his God damn butt bone.
It should be said, first of all, that President Ford is still very sore, but he is definitely recovering. Also, everyone should know that the butt bone was broken purely by accident, and not in any sort of embarassing and/or sexual way.
Even though I get my news through word of mouth (which I consider to be both the most accurate and expediant), some of these details may have been slightly altered. The overall story, I'm positive, is accurate. As I understand it, President Ford was using the slide by himself, and some of the sand at the bottom had been scraped away, revealing either a large stone, or a slab of cement (which, exactly, is unclear at this time). At any rate, when the former president landed on his butt below the end of the slide, his butt bone met directly with this hard surface. Mrs. Betty Ford found him shortly afterwards, wandering the garden and clutching his posterior. Being the healer that she is, Betty recognized immediately that something was not right and called the hospital. You know the story from there.
What we don't know is why President Ford didn't land on his feet at the end of the slide (was it an attempt at some sort of stunt, or had the slide simply been too fast for him to react to?), and, more significantly, whether the sand at the bottom of the slide had been scraped away by repeated use, or by a possible modern day John Wilkes Booth. The secret service is no doubt looking into these matters as I write this.
Until we know more, I think we can all agree on a statement of good will toward our former president:
Get well soon, Gerald Ford!

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