I'm not ready for the freakshow... yet!

Have you ever seen that guy on Ripley's Guiness Book of World Records who eats metal? He just chews it up, eats it, and doesn't die!
I think his official record is for eating a whole car. I don't know if that includes the tires and windows, but he ate the metal, at least. I think he might be Russian, too, not because I heard him speak, or anything, but because I can't imagine a person of any other nationality doing something like that. I suppose he was drinking out of the oil pan, or huffing from the gas tank, and suddenly found himself gnawing on a door panel. It makes sense.

Anyway, I was up all night, drinking chocolate milkshakes with Tard, and at about 3:30 I came up with the idea that I would beat this nasty old Russian at his own game. Even with all that milkshake in me, though,  I wasn't about to start off with a car (it would have had to have been Tard's car too), so I figured I'd start out with a cardboard box, and work my way up from there.
Well, that was a big mistake. I ate about a square foot of cardboard, and then blacked out. When I came too, I was under my own bed - I think I crawled there for protection - sweating like crazy.
My stomach still hurts, but don't consider me defeated just yet. I'll bet the Russian passed out millions of times on his way to the top. So keep your eyes open, America, and watch for me in Ripley's World Records, eating... a WWII submarine!

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